


Black and White

by thumbs_up



Series: Finding the light in the dark [2]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Future, big au, lindsey plays emily doesn't, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28444809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thumbs_up/pseuds/thumbs_up
Summary: how will the two work after college, now facing the real world together. will emily be able to find herself outside of soccer? will lindsey become a different person now that emily isn't playing?
Relationships: Lindsey Horan/Emily Sonnett
Series: Finding the light in the dark [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080026
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	1. ‘That first night we were standing at your door’

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back!!! This is part two of ‘am I falling in love with the one that could break my heart’, which I now realize is way too long of a name. If you haven’t read that one you should it gives you more background on the characters but if you don’t want to then don’t, I can’t force you to lol. 
> 
> I chose this title after the song “Black and White” by Niall Horan (lol). The song is very well written and I think it fits really well with the second part of this story, and I had to continue the song title theme. not much dialogue this chapter just trying to set things up, anyways enjoy!

**_2017_ **

Lindsey walked through the door of her shared apartment. She had gotten settled in and majority of her clothes were unpacked, but there were still small boxes scattered around the room. Earlier in the year she was drafted to the Portland Thorns, which made her excited that her career was going to continue at one of the best clubs.

Before that Emily constantly told her not to worry, she was already playing on the national team there was no way she wouldn’t be drafted to one of the best teams. She didn’t get called up for the 2016 Olympics but had been getting consistent call ups since the team lost.

As cool as it was to be playing pro inside a small part of her heart hurt. She missed not being on the pitch with Emily. She was also disappointed that Sam, Mal and Rose were all on separate teams. She would be able to see them on away games and at national team camps but she just wished it was more. They were all still in touch and were honestly closer than before.

“Hey baby” she heard as she walked into the living room

“Hi” she said collapsing into the seat next to her girlfriend and laid her head in her lap

Emily wanted to go wherever in the world Lindsey was. She was willing to move anywhere, so once she was drafted to Portland, Emily had started looking for apartments to stay in and jobs close to Providence Park. Last summer she started working as a rehabilitation counselor in Georgia, she loved her job. It was a job that was able to help her cope with her anxiety and depression, something she was able to have more control over these days. She loved helping people get back to normal, or even their new normal.

There was still a dark part in her mind, but she was able to shut it out, majority of the time. Every now and again the dark part would come back, it would happen when she would realize that this shouldn’t be how life turned out. She should be out there with her friends playing soccer and being a big name, she would sit up at night and think that maybe she could have made a come back, maybe if she just tried harder she could have been there…

Emily smoothed back the pieces of hair sticking out from the younger girls ponytail, “how was training?” She asked softly as the other girl started closing her eyes

“Exhausting” she said reaching up to grab Emily’s hand and intertwined their fingers, resting it on her own stomach

She continued to play with her girlfriends baby hairs, “I don’t know if I ever told you this but you look really pretty after working out”

Lindsey opened her eyes and smiled at the older girl “you have told me that before but I like to hear it so keep saying it” she encouraged

“My baby is so, so very pretty. In every way, your personality, your looks, your everything Linds” she leaned down as Lindsey lifted her head up, closing the distance between them

Lindsey pulled away slowly, “how was your morning?” She asked laying her head back down and turning it toward the computer on the coffee table

“Just finished scheduling my appointments for the rest of this week, I have a busy one. A lot more compared to last week” she informed the younger girl. She in fact did, the first appointments started at 8:00 and the last one ended at 4:00. “I be home later everyday this week” Lindsey frowned at the news “but I was able to get Saturday off”

With this job she had every Sunday off, but this Saturday was important she knew she had to get it off..It was Lindsey’s first game with the Thorns. “I’m excited to see your cute little butt run around on the field out there” Emily added

“I wish you were out there with me Em” Lindsey said looking back up at the other blonde

Lindsey reached up and place her hand on the older girls cheek but not moving from her position, “I wish I was too Linds, a lot” Emily said in a saddened voice, “but you have to stop. I’m not and that’s not going to change. Lindsey this is your time to shine, to show the world who the fuck Lindsey Horan is. I know who you are, but not those people out there. Stop dwelling on the fact that I’m not out there with you. You be the best player for me since I can’t do it for myself.” Lindsey nodded her head and sat up

She turned her body towards her girlfriend, “I’ll do it for you Em…no matter what, I’m playing for you. For us.” She tapped Emily’s nose softly, “hearing you talk about being home late makes me feel like an stay at home mom” she commented making both of them laugh

The two girls ordered in dinner that night, and fell into bed together. Emily woke up around 6:30 the next morning, to the alarm she set the previous night. She rolled over to see her girlfriend barley awake, eyes just opened enough that Emily knew she could hear everything.

She leaned over and kissed her head, and then climbed out of bed. She walked into the bathroom starting the shower. After she got dressed and put her hair up she walked back into the room to look for her shoes. Lindsey was now facing the other way back asleep.

Once she found her shoes she slipped both of them on and walked over to her girlfriend. She whispered “I’ll see you later” and placed a soft kiss on her forehead “I love you” Emily felt Lindsey grab her hand and pull her back. She turned around and saw Lindsey rising up, they softly kissed, “I love you” she heard the other girl softly speak and then she laid right back down.

Emily grabbed her computer and walked out of door, locking it then walking into the elevator. She went to the coffee shop that was next to their apartment building grabbing her usual before getting in her car and driving off to work.

She walked through the door of the building and greeted Eric, the guy who worked at the front desk. He was really nice to her, they would go out to lunch at least once a week. He knew more about Lindsey than anyone in this city. It never bothered him, how much she talked about her girlfriend, he enjoyed listening to her stories. As did she, he would tell her about his wife and kid back at home, who was 2. He one time brought her in and she was attached to Emily for some reason. That night she went home and talked to Lindsey about having kids in the future, a conversation neither of them were ready for so they put it on pause and would come back sometime later.

She walked into her office and close the door behind her, but it was soon opened again. Her co-worked Diya, who was a ball of excitement and happiness. She was the type of person to lift the whole mood of the room when she walked inside. Her and Emily had been growing close over the past few weeks, but they weren’t on the same level of friendship as her and Eric. The three of them went out a few times for drinks and would go to lunch occasionally.

“So how’s the lady” Diya asked as she door shut behind her and she plopped into the chair that was located in front of Emily’s desk.

Emily smiled, “She fine, how are you?” She placed down her laptop and sat down in her chair

“Fucking tired.” That was something Emily could agree with. Not many people worked there. In total it was five employees, it was a tiny building so not many people could really work there. That just meant their schedules were full majority of the time. Lindsey would come in often, while the bigger part of them thought it was just because she wanted to be massaged out, Emily knew it was because she was bored in the apartment after her training.

“Strongly agreed, what does the rest of your week look like? Mines filled everyday, but that’s because I’m taking Saturday off” she said clicking the pen on her desk before opening up the paper calendar that sat on her desk

“Mine is not that crazy…but Saturday, hello? Why are you taking that off?” Diya said raising her eyebrows suggestively

“It’s Lindsey’s first game with the Thorns and her parents are coming down the day before so, I might leave early if I get a cancelation” she said matter in fact

Diya sat back in her seat, “oh, I see. Meeting the parents”

“Definitely not ‘meeting’ the parents. I’ve known her parents since her freshman year in college so more like, seeing the parents” she said drawing a line threw something on her calendar

Diya took a moment to think, “wait, I don’t know why, but I always forget your guy’s age gap”

“Hey” she said looking up, “it’s only two years it’s not even that big” Now that they are older it doesn’t seem as bad…22 and 24 is nothing. Her phone that sat on the desk rang,

_‘Maddie is here to see you. The chart is up here’_ Eric said on the other side

‘ _Sick be there in second’_ she hung up

“And that is my first patient of the day.” She said getting up from her chair as Diya did the same, “I will see you later.” She said as they parted ways

“Have fun” she heard before walking through the door

~~

Lindsey slowly opened her eyes and looked over to the clock

_8:34am_

_Tues April 10_

She closed her eyes again before getting enough energy to get up and walk out to the living room. She sat on the couch for a second, just to fully wake up. She walked into her room and changed into her training gear and made her way downstairs to the same coffee shop Emily stopped at earlier in the morning.

She ordered her usual and some food, avocado toast. Which her and Emily both, tried for the first time and fell in love with. Training started at 10:30 and ended around 1-1:30. After she would always go and get two coffees before driving to Emily’s work and handing her one. It was mostly an excuse to see her girlfriend but that could be kept a secret.

She walked into the locker room around 10:30 and headed to her locker to get settled in before it started. She talked with a few of the girls before, but since she was new and they had only been training for a bit there were only a few people who she would have conversations with. Of course it was the National team players who played there too, so she would bounce between them.

Lindsey never really told people about her and Emily, except Tobin, but it was like an unspoken fact about her. On her Instagram there was pictures of them two but she never openly talked about their relationship. She wasn’t ashamed of it, of course not, she just never felt the need to talk about it.

Training went smoothly once again. Lindsey was on fire, just as the text she gets from Emily before every training said

_I know ur going to kill it, I don’t even have to say it anymore_

It was the same text everyday that would bring a smile to the younger girls face.

She walked across the street to the coffee shop, picked up the same two normal orders and drove off to office. She parked and walked through the door, the office was full today. The Thorns gear she still had on caught a couple of younger girls attention, she smiled then walked over to the desk

“Hey Eric” she greeted the man sitting there

“Hey Lindsey, she’s just wrapping up in the rehab room but her office is open. Sadly this will have to be a quick drop off she has another patient right behind that one” he informed her

“That’s okay, she told me she was busy” she walked to the back and into her girlfriends office

A short moment later she heard the familiar voice in the hallway and turned off her phone as the door opened, “Dr. Sonnett here with your coffee order” she passed the cup off

“Life saver” Emily commented walking towards her girlfriend, setting the coffee down before even taking a drink. Emily leaned up and kissed the younger girl, just a soft peck. “I’m sorry we can’t talk I have-“

“I know” Lindsey cut her off, “just wanted to see you before being stuck at home alone for hours” she said sadly now walking towards the door of her girlfriends office.

“Lindsey just ask someone on the team to hang out” Emily encouraged her

“Maybe” she kissed Emily one last time before opening the door, “I’ll see you later, love you”

“Love you too” she said as the door closed she took a sip from the coffee before walking out to take back her next patient.

As for Lindsey…she didn’t ask anyone to hang out.

~~

The rest of the week passed quickly as soon as they both knew it, it was Friday. The same stuff happened throughout the week. Waking up together, goodbye kisses, work, training, iced coffees, dinners, and finding their way back to bed.

Lindsey’s parents arrived right as Lindsey finished her last session before the game. She then drove to the airport to pick them up and drive them to the hotel they were staying at, which was across the street from the stadium.

“Lindsey!” She heard which caused her to turn her head and saw her parents exiting the doors of the airport

She walk over to her dad who arms were opened. The last time she saw her parents was when she left Colorado for the last time. Her and Emily moved in early due to Emily’s work starting, her soccer season ended but school was still happening. She had a couple of classes to finish, just two, and she was able to work on them whenever.

Lindsey felt bad that she had to leave Regan so soon. Although Regan ended up going over seas to play so it worked out in the end.

“Hi honey” her dad hugged her tightly before letting go

She made her way to her mom and hugged her just as tightly, “I missed you guys” she let go, “for some reason, this felt different compared to college. I don’t know if it’s because this is permanent for a while or what, but it felt different”

“Well you’re growing up. Both you and Emily, you girls are facing the real world now. In college it felt like you were still protected by some imaginary bubble, but now the bubble disappeared.” Her mom added as they started walking to the car

“Yeah, speaking of Em, she’s still at work. I don’t think she going to get off early but she if she has a cancellation she might. Also I have to take over her iced coffee that I get her everyday, it’s a tradition”

“Well don’t let us be a burden in your plans” Her dad said as they found the car and put the bags inside

They all loaded inside and drove to get coffee. She made a quick stop at Emily’s work and dropped off the coffee as her parents sat in the car and waited for their daughter to come back.

She opened the door and climbed in the car, “alright, I can drop you off at your hotel now”

“Sounds good” her dad said, “so how’s the team?” he asked

She didn’t even have to think about it, “really good. It took a moment to get used to the speed of pro, it’s definitely faster than college but I love it and the national team time helped” she said

“That’s good sweetie, how about you and Emily? How are you guys adjusting to the new lifestyle, how is she taking being a normal person while your still playing” Her mom asked curiously

Lindsey thought back to their conversation the other night, “we’re doing good, it’s nice actually this new way of living. She’s doing really good mentally which is amazing, but the soccer thing is hard. I think at first we were both sad that she wasn’t out there with me but as time went on we got used to it. The other night she told me to stop being sad about it, that nothing is going to change and I have to know that, and since she can’t play I’d play every game, not only for me but for her too” she told both of them

“That’s good Linds, it sounds like your guys relationship has really matured since the college, you can open up about your feelings, that’s really healthy. I think you two living here will be good for you guys” Lindsey smiled at her moms comment

She pulled up to their hotel, helped them get their bag and then they made plans for dinner with Emily.

Emily walked through the door around 5:30, she didn’t see Lindsey on the living room which wasn’t normal. She called out, “Linds? Where are you?” She heard a, “in here” from the bedroom. She set her stuff down and made her way to the room.

In there Lindsey was standing in front of the closet just looking at it, not moving anything around just staring.

“What are you doing?” Emily asked walking towards the younger girl

Lindsey stepped back and sat on the bed, “looking for something to wear” she looked over at her girlfriend, “hi”

“Hi, and why are you struggling? You have a ton of clothes, I should know, I do your laundry” Emily smiled and took a seat next to the other blonde

Lindsey rested her head on Emily’s shoulder, “I don’t know”

“You okay?” She shrugged her shoulder causing Lindsey to lift her head up again

“Yeah, it was just weird when I saw my parents today. Like it think it finally hit me that we live here. Like this is our second home. I guess that just threw me off” she said sadly

Emily lifted her chin and placed a soft kiss on her lips, “I get that, and there’s no other person I’d want to have a second home with except you” Lindsey smiled

“You make my life feel easier Son” Lindsey commented

“And you make mine better. I’m not sure I’d make it this far if it wasn’t for you” Lindsey leaned forward to connect their lips once more, but this time for longer

She slowly pulled away and whispered, “I love you”

“I love you too” Emily backed away and got up, “alright lets find you a cute ass fit and get going to this dinner” she exclaimed

Lindsey smiled at the energy just radiating off of her girlfriend. The two girls got ready and headed off to pick up her parents. They went to a restaurant that was in the city, one that was recommended to them from a local. It was good food, at that moment Lindsey thought to herself, “does this place have any bad restaurants?” Conversation flowed smoothly, it was nice to have her people back.

They headed back to the apartment after dropping off her parents. Lindsey was walking into the kitchen to grab water as Emily was sitting on one of the bar stools. Emily noticed yet another change in mood from Lindsey, she didn’t even have to ask.

“Linds don’t be nervous” she said reaching for her girlfriends hand stopping her

Lindsey turned, now facing her, “what are you talking about”

“Lindsey don’t even try to hide it, I know you better than anyone…you’re nervous about tomorrow. Don’t be I know you, you’re amazing, the best. They wouldn’t have chosen you as their first round if they didn’t think the same. They wouldn’t have called you up to the national team if they didn’t think so, just go out there and be the Lindsey I have been watching play for four years now” That was able to calm down her nerves a bit. She thought back to that first national team game.

~~

_Lindsey sat in the locker room, her leg bouncing up and down, as she thought about the fact she was going to be playing her first game. Rose noticed her nerves and walked over to the younger girl, “hey, you’re going to do great. I know, we all do. Even the coaches, if they didn’t think so I don’t think they would have started you” Rose joked_

_“Thanks Rosie, that doesn’t really stop the nerves but it makes me feel better” she said her legs still bouncing. Rose placed her hand on her leg. “Stop, don’t over think it” the older girl told her, “I’ll be out there with you. This is just another soccer game Linds remember that” they were told it was time to go line up_

_As Lindsey stood in line, the same thoughts circled her head, “what if I fuck it up. What if I slip up. What if I can’t connect to anyone” the line started moving, so did she. The National Anthem, the hand shakes, the team picture, the huddle, it all flew by and next thing she knew the whistle was blowing._

_Emily sat in the crowd as she watched the first touch be taken by the other team. She could tell Lindsey was nervous she didn’t even have to be near the girl. She had always been good at that. She watched as Lindsey would take her first touch on the ball. She watched as her girlfriend would make a perfect cross to assist the first goal of the game._

_After that Lindsey’s nerves were nonexistent. After the game Lindsey was walking around the field and trying to spot her girlfriend. Once she did she waved and smiled._

_~~_

“But what if I go out there and totally fuck up? Then what? There going to think it was a mistake picking me first-“

Emily cut her off, “Lindsey you played against world class players. You are playing with world class players that are willing to take the time to make _you_ one. Yes, you might go out there tomorrow and totally fuck up, but what soccer player hasn’t. I know I did, many times, this is a learning game. You continue to learn as you get older, and you’re just starting. It’s okay to mess up, they will all be patient because they know your the one” Lindsey stopped to think about the words spilling out of her girlfriends mouth

“I know you won’t mess up” She heard Emily say

Lindsey leaned forward to engulf the smaller girl in a hug, “can we cuddle?” She asked softly

Emily ran her hand up the younger girls back, “yeah, let’s go”

Emily sat with her back against the head board and Lindsey rest her head in her lap. They turned on The Office, small laughs would escape their mouths as the show went on. Right before Lindsey dozed off Emily heard, “thank you” and she just brushed back the baby hairs on her girlfriend face, her favorite thing to do. A few minutes later she settled into bed and fell asleep peacefully.

The next morning the two girl woke up at 9. Lindsey’s game was at 3:30 so they had time to waste, they both decided to go to breakfast at their place. Avocado toast, a must. They walked around downtown for a bit before going back home and getting ready. Lindsey left around 12:30, Emily drove her even thought she could have just walked.

Emily went to pick up Lindsey’s parents around 3:00 and drove them down to the field. They all got in easily and went up the box seats that was given to them. They settled in, and as soon as they knew it the team walked out. She saw Lindsey walking in with the game face she knew and missed. The national anthem played, the teams shook hands, and the game started.

The first half went by so fast Emily was surprised when she heard the whistle. The game was tied 1-1 Lindsey was playing great just as she predicted. Once the team came back on the field, she could tell Lindsey had a change in intensity, she wanted the ball, wanted the goal.

Which was conceded around the 70th minute. A small flick that hit the back of the net. Emily jumped out of her seat and cheered as loudly as she could. Lindsey’s parents hugged behind her in excitement, Emily felt a touch on her shoulder, Lindsey’s mom pulled her into a hug and her dad gave her a high five.

They end of the game came around and the won 2-1 The sound of the crowd and the rush of winning was something Lindsey knew she would get used to quickly.


	2. ‘Ask me if I want to come inside’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily may not have always been fine and Lindsey takes the time to realize that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I like the way this is panning out. Another long one, can’t promise they will all be this long…enjoy

Emily kissed up her girlfriends stomach as she came down from her high. She kissed up her neck finally latching both of their lips together. Lindsey could taste herself on Sonnetts lips, as she smiled into the kiss. Lindsey pulled back slowly tilting her head back, exposing her neck again, which Emily took full advantage of.

“Mmm, so good” she moaned as she felt light sucking on her throat

Once there was a faint spot left on her throat Emily pulled away and sat on her girlfriends hips. Lindsey laid still and observed the view in front of her, until she heard Emily speak

“You played so good today” she started to rub her girlfriends shoulders, “that goal was great. I told you not to worry” she said as Lindsey place her hands on Emily’s hips

“Thank you. For last night, trying to help, and for night now because that last one was mind blowing” her hands started traveling up her the smaller blondes sides, “I think it’s my turn to show you how much I appreciated it” a smirk appeared across her face

She pulled Emily down and crashed their lips together before flipping them. The rest of the night, moans and names filled the air until they were both too tired to continue. They feel asleep in each others arms.

~~

The next week passed just as fast as the previous. Noting new happened. Lindsey was getting more comfortable with the team. This week she actually hung out with people which, Emily more than herself, took as a win. Emily’s week at work was a bit slower than the last, every day she was home before 4 which made Lindsey happy because after a long day of training and school she just wanted to see her girlfriend. 

Lindsey’s parents left Monday morning, after spending all of Sunday exploring Portland with the two girls. In two weeks Emily’s mom and sister are flying out to visit the couple. She wanted them to come on a weekend Lindsey has a home game, so they could go watch, but that wasn’t for another two weeks. This week she had an away game, in North Carolina and then one in Utah the next weekend.

“What time do you leave on Saturday?” Emily asked taking a sip from her coffee that Lindsey brought over after training

“I’ll leave the apartment at 10” she said getting more comfortable in the chair across the desk, “what does the rest of your day look like?” She asked

“Um, pretty empty. I have two more appointments and then I’m done.” She said looking at the calendar in front of her

“Mhm” she said looking around the room, “I need a massage…you have time?” She asked with a knowing smile on her face

“I do, but I don’t give massages, we have a person for that” she smiled at her girlfriend

“But I want your hands on me, not someone else’s” Lindsey rolled her eyes

Emily looked the taller blonde dead in the eye, “you’re so gross. I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not happening. I’m at work” she said moving her attention back to her computer, there was a knock on the door

“Come in” Emily called out

Diya walked in, “oh hey Linds, sorry am I interrupting something?” She asked looking between them

“No” they said in unison 

She continued to walk in the room, “cool. Sonnett I have a question? The girl you saw the other day…she’s a tough one huh? Hard to break”

Emily thought back to the patient from the other day. The girl was very hard to break, she might have said two words the entire session. Emily actually knew exactly what was wrong with this girl and what treatment she needed, because it was the same thing she went through herself. This girl was a volleyball player, with a very bright future. She got into a car accident and it cause tears in her spinal cord, now she can’t walk. It’s not a permanent paralysis, she can learn how to walk again but her mental health has taken up every possibility of achieving that goal. 

“Yeah, she didn’t really talk much. I mean what she went through is terrible and sadly her mental health isn’t helping her want to get better. She’s at a point where she refuses to even try anything because she doesn’t think it’s a possibility to get better.” The last part caught Lindsey’s attention and she looked at her girlfriend with questioning eyes

“What?” Emily asked her

“Sounds like you, years ago when you tore your ACL. Rose and I basically had to force you to go to physical therapy everyday” she reminded her girlfriend

Emily thought back to that point in her life, “yeah, but I had good friends that forced me to get better. She doesn’t, she shut everyone out of her life.”

More hit Lindsey in the moment, “aren’t you saying you definitely could have made a come back?” Diya raised her eyebrows now standing against the wall

“No I never said that” Emily looked at her girlfriend confused

“You basically did. Em you had an ACL tear, she’s temporarily paralyzed and you’re saying she can make a comeback. You could have too, why did you give up?” She asked with sadden eyes

“Lindsey it’s not that easy-“

“But Son you just said-“

“Lindsey” she raised her voice

Diya’s eyes opened and she softly said, “I should go” and exited the room. Lindsey just sat in her chair and stared at her girlfriend in disbelief.

“Fuck you, you could have made a come back Emily. We could have been out there together. Playing the one thing we love the most, and you just gave up so easily. You didn’t even try” Lindsey added

Emily clinched her jaw trying not to go off on her girlfriend, she kept repeating those words so she wouldn’t, “Lindsey you don’t think I didn’t want to make a comeback. I would have died to play again. Obviously there’s more to it that you fucking head is just flying by. Maybe take a step back and put yourself in my situation back them” she said as her phone rang. She picked it up, “be there in a second” 

“That’s my-“ Lindsey got up and walked out of the room before she could even finish

Lindsey walked out of the building ignoring every one on the way and took a walk to who knows where. She pulled out her phone and called the one person who was the most helpful in any situation,

“Hello?” Rose said from the other side of the phone 

“I accidentally went off on her about not trying to make a comeback and now I think she’s mad.” She said quickly

“Wait what?” Rose asked

Lindsey sighed and took a deep breath, she explained the girl from the other day and then what she told Emily directly, “I don’t think I should have said anything, but I wanted know if she really just quit like that”

Rose just paused, “wow, I mean I get what you were saying Linds, but we both know Emily wasn’t mentally okay back then. Now she is doing great but I think that’s what she might have been referring to when she said there was more to it” 

“I mean I know she wasn’t well” she admitted, “but Rose she could have been playing again. She could have been out there with us. Maybe we didn’t try hard enough-“

“Linds there was noting either of us could have done. We both tried our hardest, it was up to Emily and if she wanted to put the effort into it, and I guess she didn’t. Maybe she was done with soccer, as hard as it is to say.”

Lindsey didn’t say anything, “maybe soccer was the reason her mental health was so bad, I mean once she quit she started doing better” if Lindsey had to agree with one thing Rose said it would be that. 

“I’ll talk to her tonight, thanks Rose” she finally spoke up

“Anytime”

Lindsey thought more about what Rose told her. Maybe she was right, Emily was done with soccer and maybe Lindsey just has to be okay with that. 

~~

Lindsey was sat at the table as she heard the key turn and the door open. Slowly the short blonde walked through the door,

“Hey” the shorter blonde greeted her girlfriend who was sat at the table 

“I’m sorry” Lindsey said before anything else, “I may have overreacted today when that all happened. I didn’t take a moment to think about what must have been going through your mind. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy choice” she said looking the other girl who now made her way to the seat across from her

“No Linds” she shook her head, “It wasn’t an easy decision to make. Soccer was my everything, for my entire life. I had every intention to play pro, but once that injury happened it opened my eyes to the outside world. That I have a choice to stick to soccer or do something else that will probably be better for me mentally…obviously I chose the latter because I was so sick of being sick” she said 

Lindsey didn’t know how to even responds to what was being said. She felt like she was to clueless to everything happening at that point of Emily’s life, “I must be a terrible girlfriend” she said looking down at the table

“Why would you say that?” Emily asked

“I mean I knew you were sick but I never took the time to check in. I should have been there more, helping you. I think I just felt like Rose could do more help than I could have. Maybe if I was there I could have made this easier for you…” she glanced back up

“Lindsey nothing could have made this situation easier. I was giving up something that was a dream of mine, and of course there were moments when I would think ‘maybe if I just pushed harder I could have been okay’ but I didn’t because I knew I had to let it go for my own health” she said grabbing her girlfriends hand, “and the fact that you’re here today and that I’m here, makes me realize that I chose the right thing” 

“Are you mad at me?” She asked quietly 

“I was earlier, but now that we had this talk I feel better. Plus it’s hard to be mad at you” Lindsey smiled

She looked Emily dead in the eye, “I really am sorry for earlier today-“

“Stop” Emily cut her off, “everything is fine now” she smiled and raised from her chair to place a simple kiss on her girlfriends saddened lips

~~

Lindsey woke up around 8 Saturday morning, of course Emily had already left for work so she was alone. She put on her Thorns gear and walked down stairs to get a coffee before leaving to go to the field. 

With their first game away being in North Carolina, they had to take a plane. The bus boarded around 10 but she had to pack up her locker and wanted to roll out her body before leaving, so she pulled up at the stadium around 9, to give her an hour to finish all her tasks.

Her phone dinged as she walked into the stadium,

are u awake or do I have to call u? 

i’ll give u 2 minutes 

Of course Emily didn’t trust her to get up on time. She smiled and responded,

no, I’m not awake

She got a response quickly

was just abt to call, close one

She locked her phone and continued her walk not able to wipe the smile off her face. Once she walked into the locker room there were a good amount of girls in there, but less than half. She walked over to her locker and starting packing some stuff into her backpack. She heard someone call her name.

“Hey Linds, saw you smiling at your phone out there…someone special you’re not telling us about” Kling asked her in a teasing voice

“Leave the kid alone” she heard Tobin say from the couch 

“Come on we LOVE” she emphasized, “gossip on this team. We’re all sisters, we know everything about each other” she heard Tobin mumble something from the couch that sounded like it was disagreeing with the statement

Lindsey thought about it for a second, “yeah, I was talking to someone…special…” her smile became more immense

Kling made her way to the other side of the room, “Oh my, who is this lucky person?” 

Lindsey found it comforting that she said person and not man, “her name is Emily, she my girlfriend” The brunette next to her gasped

“How did we not know you had a girlfriends?” She asked

Lindsey thought it was weird no one really caught on to the Instagram post, “I don’t know, thought it was obvious with my feed on Insta” she said

“How long?” the other girl asked totally skipping over what Lindsey just said

“Since my freshman year in college, her junior” 

“Oh, okay. Is she living here?” She asked another question

“Kling” Tobin said, “stop harassing the poor girl”

“Thank you Tobin, and yes we live together. She works as a rehabilitation counselor, now if you don’t mind I’m going to roll out” she finished with an approving nod from Kling

As she started her roll out in another room, she heard the door open.

“Hey kid” Tobin made her way to sit on one of the training table

“Hey” she looked up at the other girl

“Sorry about her she just likes to know it all” Lindsey let out a small laugh

“It’s okay, not like I was hiding anything, just never felt the need to scream ‘I have a girlfriend’ in front of everyone” Tobin smiled 

“Just hope you didn’t feel pressured to tell anyone everything. I know saying you have a girlfriend to new people is harder than just having one, but also know we’re all really open minded here. We aren’t going to judge you for anything” 

“Thank Tobin, that makes me feel good” 

“We’ll if you ever need to talk, about soccer or life. I’m always here, you know where to find me.” She got up from the table, “I see something big in you kid, your the next big name just keep that in your mind” she said as she walked over and ruffled Lindsey’s hair, then exited the room

That made Lindsey now feel relief about everything, and also made her realize Emily was right, again. She would never say that to her girlfriends face, her ego was big enough already. 

After she finished her roll out she made her way to the bus where the rest of the team was. The tall blonde texted Emily telling her she was leaving, she didn’t get a response right away but as they pulled up to the airport she felt her phone buzz.

have fun love, kick some ass with ur cute one

love u

Lindsey replied back with similar words and followed the rest of the team to their gate. 

~~

Saturday mornings were pretty busy at work. Emily had her second meeting with Maddie, around the time Lindsey texted her for the second time. The dark haired girl rolled in her wheelchair into her office and settled in front of Sonnett’s desk.

“Hey Maddie, how are you today?” She asked the girl who refused to make eye contact

“Fine” the girl mumbled out

“I don’t think I believe that but..okay” she smiled trying to lighten the mood “so i’ve been thinking since the last time I saw you, and I really think you should go see a therapist” she advised 

The girl finally looked up and made eye contact with Sonnett, “no, I- I don’t need a therapist I’m fine. I don’t need one” she stressed

“Why not?” She asked genuinely curious 

She replied with an attitude, “because I’m not mentally damaged, I’m physically damaged” she said as if Emily was blind

“Maddie” she said trying to calm the girl down, “I see so much of me in you. I was reminded recently that, with physical injuries come mental ones too. The mental ones are more damaging than the physical ones, I know that because I almost lost my whole life because of injury, the difference between you and I is that I surrounded myself with people who told me no matter what everything will work out. On top of that I went to therapy and it helped in such incredible amounts” 

“What happened?” the dark haired girl asked, “like what injury did you have?”

Emily smiled because she was finally breaking the girl across from her, “I torn my ACL senior year of college. I had a very bright future in soccer, I mean I could have been playing on the National team” she took a deep breath, “but I let my injury effect me mentally, I told myself I couldn’t make a comeback, when in reality I probably could have and been perfectly fine” she clinched her jaw as this was the first time she actually said that out loud

“Why didn’t you try?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” the girl looked up at her, “I told myself that I couldn’t do it and that I wouldn’t be National team material, that damaged my mental health. I don’t want you to do the same thing, I want you to destroy the voice telling you that you aren’t capable of it and therapy is one of the best ways of helping” 

The girl just stared at the floor, “you said people helped you too. What were they like?” She asked

“They are the type of people that would fly across the country to help you out with anything. The type of people that are willing to hold you at night when you have a bad dream. The type of people that will stick around even after you scream and yell at them. Those people are the best for when you go through a tough time…you can’t shut people out of you life right when it gets hard, Maddie. I’m sure all of them are willing to help in anyway possible” she told the girl

“How do I know if I can trust them?” The girl asked her

“I think the rest of this conversation would be great for you and your new therapist” she smiled seeing the corner of Maddie’s lips curl up

“Thank you” the other girl spoke up

“It’s my job” she joked, “now for the rest of your rehab” she continued finally getting the girl settled in

~~

Lindsey was now standing on the field waiting for the whistle of the referee to blow, signaling the start of the game. Emily was sat at home, on the couch, with the tv on, watching her girlfriend take her first touch on the ball. 

Emily watched as her girlfriend shot the ball into the back of the net and immediately texted her girlfriend, knowing she wouldn’t see it until a long time after

hot shot ;)

The game continued on, she watched the Thorns go down 2 points in the second half. They struggled to get at least one more point on the board, to tie, before the final whistle blew. She knew Lindsey was not going to take this well… 

Around an hour later she got a text back

Linds- not that hot anymore?

Em- still hot, im sorry that sucks but know you played really good

Linds- if I played good then we would have one

Em- Lindsey u aren’t the whole team, YOU did great

Lindsey changed the whole conversation, while that made Emily a little mad she had to let it go knowing Lindsey wasn’t going to give in anytime soon. 

The next afternoon Lindsey walked into the apartment and threw her bags down on the floor. She heard the tv on and which was weird because Emily was suppose to be at work..it was Monday. 

“Is someone here?” She yelled into the apartment

She heard someone in their room and then they yelled, “It’s me Linds” Emily walked out of their room

“Why are you home?” She said looking at the clock, it was only 4 pm

Emily walked over and hugged the girl, “I got off early for you, I knew you would need a hug once you walked through the door” 

Lindsey tightly wrapped her arms around the other girl, “I missed you” she whispered into her hair

“Missed you too babe” Emily kissed her neck, then pulled back and kissed her lips

Lindsey pulled back, “I hate losing”

“I know” Emily pulled her back in, “there’s always next week” 

“I wish you could be there for every game, but it’s not possible.” She mumbled against the other girls lips as they backed into the living room

“Not possible no, but this is a very good coming home present” she forced their lips back together as they fell on to the couch, Emily on top of Lindsey

Lindsey’s swiped her tongue along the bottom of Emily’s lips. The once innocent kissing turned into an intense make out session. Lindsey put her hand on her girlfriends chest and pulled back as far as she could, but Emily just traveled down her throat placing small kisses along it,

“Em, Emily” she said still catching her breath

Emily hummed against her neck where she starting the process of leaving a mark, Lindsey grabbed her head and pulled it up so they were looking at each other, “I just want to cuddle” she whispered into the air

Emily just stared at the younger girl confused, but didn’t want to press “okay” she climbed off her settling into the seat next to her

Emily knew Lindsey was never one to have sad sex, which is where they differed, but the fact Lindsey started the whole make out session confused her. Emily felt the other blonde rest her head on her chest, “thank you for being here” she then heard. With a simple kiss on the top of her head Lindsey drifted off into a deep sleep. Later she was woken up to the smell of take out.

The next morning Lindsey was perfectly fine. She texted Emily before heading over to the field. Emily was happy to see her girl back to normal. They kept the same routine as every week, nothing new. As soon as they knew it the next weekend came and the Thorns had a game in Utah, Lindsey left for the bus around 4 so she didn’t get to see Emily before leaving but it was fine she saw her earlier in the day, when she dropped off her coffee.

This weekend their game was on a Saturday, so she’d be back home on Saturday night which means her and Emily will get to spend Sunday together. Emily woke up and headed to work, she remembered that she wouldn’t be able to watch the game today because her schedule was full, which sucked. Once in a while she would check the score on google so that she could stay up to date, but it was mainly to see if Lindsey scored. 

They ended up winning 1-0, which was good because the two of them had gone two weeks without any sexual active and Emily was dying inside, she hoped this put Lindsey in a good mood. She just wanted something, just a little bit. 

Once she got home she watched the game before hearing the door open again, and saw the love of her life walk through the door. 

“Hey” Lindsey said walking over to the couch seeing the game playing on the screen, “I see your busy…that sucks because I was going to take a shower” she smirked and walked into the room

Before Emily was even able to get out a “hi” she paused the game and ran into the room. Later that night they laid on the couch wrapped up in blankets while watching whatever movie was next in their list on Netflix, “you played great today” Lindsey laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah there was suppose to be more but I was thought it would be too long so I cut it there, the next chapter will have drama. I heart you all, have a good day/night, thank you for sticking around <3


	3. ‘Then you took my hand, and I followed you’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily's mom comes for a visit, a messy one...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this chapter introduces another unhealthy habit, don’t know if I should put a trigger warning but I will just incase. it will happened in more future chapters so I’ll put it before any of the sections that talk about it, TW: smoking
> 
> I was going to post yesterday but with everything that happened i felt it wasn't appropriate. I've said it once that I am a supporter of BLM and with everything that happened made me mad, it showed how unequal the US is. I don't really like bringing this into my writing but i know i should say something. 
> 
> anyways enjoy....

Emily woke up Wednesday morning to Lindsey peacefully sleeping in her arms. She was in no rush to get up this morning as she had taken the morning off, she didn’t have to go in until two. Her mom and sister were arriving around twelve so she was going to pick them up from the airport, then get them settled in.

Emma and her mother was staying at their apartment to save money. It made Sonnett nervous that they were staying there, especially her mom. Emily had the whole week planned, she would work today and tomorrow, take off Friday and Saturday so she could spend time with the other two girls. 

“Linds” she shook her girlfriend who was still asleep

Without opening her eyes she responded, “What” her voice cracked 

She smoothed back some of the girls hair, “You have to get up” 

Lindsey just moved into a more comfortable position, “I will” she said as her grip tightened around Emily’s waist

“Love” she kissed her forehead, “if you don’t get up I’m going to force you to” she threatened

“Fine” she mumbled out, now sitting up, “just because I’m scared of what you’d do if I didn’t” she pouted like a five year old

“Get dressed, I’ll go get coffee and food” Emily said getting out of bed and sliding on the nearest pair of shoes

Emily went downstairs to the little café, got their normal, coffee and avocado toast. She brought it back up and had breakfast with her girlfriends before she had to leave for training. Once Lindsey was gone, Emily felt a tinge of the same loneliness Lindsey feels everyday. 

The older blonde drove off to the airport to pick up her mom and sister. She saw the two and greeted them with big hugs, they loaded their bags into the car and drove off to their place.

“So is Lindsey still at practice?” Her mom asked as they made their way into the apartment

“Yeah, she’ll be home in a few actually, but I have to go to work soon. I have a few appointments today” she said bringing her moms bag to her room

“Oh okay, how’s the rest of the week going to play out?” She asked

“Um, I have work today till four, tomorrow all day, and then I took off Friday and Saturday. Lindsey has training all week and then school after it, because her last finals are next week so she’ll be busy” she informed her mother, “well this is your room, feel free to using anything in the house”

“Apartment” her mom corrected her while looking around the room

Emily glanced down to the floor but then brushed it off, “yes, apartment” Emma opted to sleep on the couch instead of sharing a room with her mother

Lindsey made her way inside a few minutes later, “hey guys” she yelled and then a quieter, “hey Emma”

Both Jane and Emily came out of the room, “Lindsey dear, how are you?” Jane walked over to hug the girl who just walked in

Lindsey was surprised at this action but she hugged back, “Tired and hot” she said giving Emily and Emma a weird look while still hugging her mom, Emily just shrugged her shoulders

Her mom was fine with the two of them dating, of course. She had nothing against it. Well, except she wasn’t the biggest fan of Lindsey. It started once she was drafted to Portland and Emily decided to move with her. Jane told Emily that it wasn’t a good idea, that the two of them weren’t going to last, which made Emily furious, sparking her to move out quicker than she was intending to. From that day Jane wasn’t the biggest fan of Lindsey. Both girls knew that. 

“Was it hot out there?” Emily asked

“Extremely” Lindsey replied now walking into the kitchen grabbing stuff to make a salad

“I have to get ready for work so have fun..” Emily disappeared into the room

No one in the room talked, other than the short comments from Emma every now and then. It felt like there was like this huge block of tension between Lindsey and Jane, that neither of them wanted to cut.

Lindsey was sat at the table going over some of her notes for one of her classes and finishing her salad, as Emily walked out of the room, “alright, I have to go. See you guys tonight” she kissed Lindsey’s head as she walked over to the door, “love you”

“Love you too” she replied 

Still Jane and Lindsey didn’t talk, Emma just sat in the middle not knowing what to do.

~~

The next day came around, Emily was gone at work and Lindsey had just woken up. She walked out to the living room and saw Jane sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee and the news on.

“Good morning” she heard a whisper, since Emma was still asleep on the couch 

“Morning” Lindsey responded in the same lower tone

“I can see you don’t get up with your ‘loved one’ when she leaves, it’s the least you could do since she’s providing” Jane said in a judgmental tone

“Uh, no I don’t. I say goodbye to her before she leaves. You do know I make money from soccer too?”

She just hummed, Lindsey rolled her eyes and walked back into the room to get dressed. She said her goodbyes to Jane. Today she left earlier because she just couldn’t be in the same room with her for extensive amounts of times, especially now.

Lindsey grabbed the iced coffee after practice and headed over to Emily’s work. She walked in and greeted Eric, “hey” 

“Hey, she’s in the middle of one now, but is free for an hour after” he informed her

“How much longer left of this one?” She asked

“Like 20 minutes or less” he looked up from the paper on his desk

“I’ll wait, I can’t handle being alone with her mom so I might as well waste my time here” she smiled and looked up seeing him smiling too

“Not going well I assume” she sat in the chair

“Not at all” she confirmed 

Around 15 minutes later Emily walked out and said her farewells to her patient. 

“Linds” she smiled seeing the girl sitting there, “come on” Emily waved her into the back

They made it to her office, Emily closed the door behind her. 

“So what brings you in today, Ms. Horan” she said making her way to the chair across from Lindsey 

“The fact that I can’t stand your mom. Listen I’ve tried so hard Sonny, so hard to be nice to her. To not say anything because I knew that I shouldn’t but I can’t hold it in anymore” she said looking her girlfriend dead in the eye

“Continue” she said taking a sip from the coffee

“She asked me why I don’t get up at 6am with you. She thinks we’re suppose to be some movie couple, that’s perfect in every way, when in reality I have the most abnormal job so our lives aren’t going to be like that and she doesn’t understand that. On top of that every time it’s just us two the tension in the room is so thick, like you can’t even cut through it” she said falling back into her chair

“You done?” she asked smiling

“Yes…” she mumbled

“I know she’s a pain in the ass, and I’m sorry. Thank you for trying to put up with her, I’ll ask her to move to a hotel tonight”

“No Emily you can’t do that. I’m fine, just needed to rant. Now I have to go back and study” she got up from her chair

She got up and walked over to place a kiss on her girlfriends lips, “you’re the best you know that. Not many people can put up with my mom, not even me sometimes” 

“I’ll put up with her until the day I die. I want to marry you Em, be apart of your life forever, and that means your mom has to be there as well. We’ll find our way, it might just take a while” she said turning around to walk out the door

“I want to marry you too” Lindsey turned her head back and smiled, “I love you, like a lot” Emily said

“I love you ten times more, I’m waiting for the proposal” Lindsey responded before walking out\

~~

That night the three of them go out for dinner, making small talk with Emma. They asked how she is, and just got filled back in life. Out of no where Emily’s mom just goes for, 

“In my opinion, the life you girls are living won’t last…” she said cutting into her food

Emily looked up from her plate, “what are you talking about?”

“You guys never see each other, Lindsey is training all day and gone every other weekend. How are you suppose to make that work? That’s right it won’t” Her mom commented 

“Mom I’m gone just as long as Lindsey is, actually I’m gone longer” she said 

Lindsey looked over at Emily then back to Jane, “I don’t know what you have against me, but what you’re saying makes no sense. We’re perfectly fine and will be fine” Lindsey told her

“You know what I have against you, it’s the fact you put in no work towards your relationship. You do stuff without thinking about my daughter and how her feelings might be impacted. You moving to Portland was out of no where and what did Emily do she just moved with you. Did you ask her if this was the best thing for you guys…no” she set down her fork and knife

Emily rolled her eyes, “mom she had no choice. She can’t give up her life because of me, I would have followed her to a whole different country. I love her, I can see myself marrying her, so please just drop it.” She basically begged

Emily’s mom just silently sat there, you could sense she was mad though. 

“All I’m saying is don’t expect a perfect life. It’s hard to have one when your both as busy as you are” she tried to break the tension but it didn’t work

“Excuse me” Emily got up and walked outside. Lindsey walked out shortly after.

She saw her girlfriend leaning up against the wall, smoking. Something she picked up shortly after graduating. She wasn’t proud of it, and Lindsey hated when she did it so it was an occasional thing. It made her forget about all her problems so she turned to it when she had no one physically to turn to. 

“Sorry” she said blowing out the smoke from her mouth

“It’s fine” Emily offered the girl the joint she shook her head, “can’t” she leaned against the wall next to the other girl

“I sometimes hate my mom” she said taking another hit, “why does she care so much about my life? I mean we’re fine, right Linds?” She asked the younger girl

Lindsey turned to face Emily, “Of course we are Em. We’re perfect, don’t let her make you think we are anything less than fine. Only we know the truth.” She brushed back a piece of hair, “you know if she walked out here and saw this she would not be happy” she joked

Emily took another couple of hits before responding, “you’re probably right. Go back, i’ll be there in a second” she said

Lindsey walked back in and sat on in her chair. The waiter brought over the check before Emily came back in. Lindsey paid for it, even against Emma’s protest. Emily finally walked in right as the waiter took the card and receipt.

She sat down in her chair and didn’t make any eye contact with them. They walked out and as they made their way down the street her mom stoped her, “Emily Ann were you smoking? I can smell it so don’t try to deny it” 

“Yes mom, I’m a fucking adult leave me alone. For that matter leave my relationship alone, me and Lindsey are great, a lot better than you dad were when he was alive.” She said which caused all of them to stop

“Emily” Emma said looking at her in disbelief

“Emma fuck” she said before shouting, “fuck” and walking away 

“Shit, I’m sorry. I promise she didn’t mean it, I’ll try to talk to her” Lindsey said grabbing onto Janes arm but she shrugged it off

“Let’s go Emma. I’d like to have my belongings brought to our hotel” She said before walking, leaving Emma and Lindsey behind

“I’ll come pick it up. I want to check on her” the twin said

“Okay, give me like 20 minutes to calm her down, sound good?”

“Yeah, be there in 20” she confirmed

Lindsey walked back to their apartment and inside Emily was sitting on the couch with a beer in her hands. Lindsey knew she was at a low.

“Em” she whispered as she walked into the room

“I don’t want to talk about it” she said taking a sip from her beer

“We have to” Lindsey walked over to the couch, “why did you say that?”

“I don’t- fuck..I don’t know” 

The taller blonde sat on the couch, “except you do…were you just mad?”

“No shit” she said which lead Lindsey to punch her in the arm

“Emily can you please be serious. You’re falling down right now and I need to help before you’re too far gone” she said grabbing the beer and walking it into the kitchen emptying it into the sink

Emily didn’t even fight her for it, “yes Lindsey, I was mad. She makes me feel like a kid, like she’s still in control of my life. I just want control over it for ONCE. I’m a fucking adult, and she’s trying to tell me that my relationship, my life, is unstable. It’s like she doesn’t know, that I know, my life is unstable. I am unstable Lindsey” she uttered

“Emily, you’re doing great in life. You have a job that pays great money, you have me, you have friends, you have it all. On top of that your mental health recently has been at an all time high. I think we both know what puts it down, more like who and you can’t let her do that anymore.” Lindsey told her walking back to the couch

Emily just looked down to the floor with a saddened face, “I hate that she controls my mood”

“Me too, you have to be strong and not let her do. Don’t let her win Emily. For yourself, for me, for us, don’t let her win” she begged

Emily looked back up towards her girlfriend, “I won’t” she whispered

Emma knocked on the door around 10 minutes later, Lindsey got up and opened the door

“Here for her stuff” she said walking inside 

Emily got up from the couch, “I’m sorry Em..I shouldn’t have said that” 

“It’s fine Emily, I get it. Mom is a lot, you just had to get your point across. Bringing dad into it was low, very, but I think it made her realize somethings” Emma mentioned 

“I hope you’re not mad” Emily made her way over to her sister

Emma looked at her, “I could never stay mad at you, you’re my twin” Emily hugged her, “I hope you’re doing better”

“I am” she responded pulling away

“Good” Emma grabbed her moms stuff and exited the apartment promising they’ll be at the game Saturday.

Lucky for Emily and Lindsey they had another day to themselves, since Emily took off. 

~~

The two teams were lined up for the playing of the national anthem, Lindsey started once again. She heard the door to the room behind her open. She saw Emma and her mother walk in and out to the deck where she was sitting.

“Hey” Emma greeted her

“Hi”

They two other girls sat down right as the game was about to start. Lindsey had her game face on, it was noticeable from a far, but before the whistle blew Lindsey looked up to the box and smiled. The game was underway shortly after that.

Within the first minute the Thorns went down a goal, which made Emily nervous. By the end of the game they responded back with three more goals, Lindsey didn’t score or assist on any of them…

After the game the three of them walked down to the field, and greeted Lindsey.

“Hey babe” Emily hugged the taller blonde 

“Oooo” Lindsey could hear Kling behind her

She smiled and turned around, “Kling, Tobin, this is my girlfriend Emily, her mom and her twin. Guys this is Tobin and Kling or Meghan” 

“Nice to meet you guys” Emily said as her mom and sister responded with similar things

“Lindsey always walks into the locker room smiling like a mad man, that’s how we know she is talking to you” Kling jokes causing a light blush appear on Lindsey’s cheeks

“Ah, makes sense. They do call me a comedian for a reason” Emily said

“No one calls you that” Lindsey called her out 

“No, she’s just that in love with you” Tobin patted Lindsey’s shoulder and walked away with Kling

Emily just looked and smiled at her girlfriend. They made their way to the locker room, where they parted ways and the Sonnett’s walked to the parking lot. 

“I’m sorry for what I said the other day mom” Emily apologized

“It’s fine” her mom responded but didn’t say anymore

“I shouldn’t have brought dad into this. I’m just tired of you trying to control my life still, I’m an adult mom, I deserve to have freedom from you. I should be able to do what I want without getting judge by you. Lindsey and I are in love, our relationship is really healthy and everything is perfect, I just hope one day you can see that and be happy for me?” She said practically begging for it

“I don’t know if that will ever happen” Emily felt her heart break, “I can see through you, I know you better than anyone, you’re my child.” 

“Obviously not because I am happy. All the happiness you saw while I was growing up was fake happy. Every positive emotion I portrayed was fake, so no mom you don’t know me” Emily told her as they stopped by her car

“Fine maybe I don’t know you” she said, “but this whole fantasy isn’t going to last and you will realize that soon” she turned to Emma, “let’s go we have an early flight tomorrow”

Emma just stood still confused, “uh, okay…” she hugged Emily, “talk to you when I get back home”

“Okay” Emily mumbled out

“Bye Emily” her mom said before walking away

She sat on the trunk of the car watching her sister and mom walk away. The emotions flowed through her body, sadness, anger, everything in between. She wanted to punch something, but she also wanted to break down in someones arms and just have them hold her until she stopped crying.

Lindsey walked out of the door and saw Emily just sitting there, “hey cutie, what are you doing?”

“Debating if I should punch someone or cry” she said towards the ground

Lindsey touched her shoulder, “what happened now?”

“Just my mom again” she didn’t have to say another word before Lindsey pulled her off the car and hugged her

“I’d rather you not punch me or the car” It made Emily laugh as tear tracked down her face

They stood in the parking lot until Emily pulled away and got into the car without saying anything. Lindsey got into the drivers seat, with one hand she drove the car and the other held tightly onto Emily’s. Lindsey brought Emily’s hand up to her lips and kissed the back of it, softly.

Emily was right…right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will probably have a time jump, a small one and then a bigger one…thanks for reading!!


	4. 'Cause we didn't want to end the night’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> National team camps cause problems? Never heard of…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little time jump in the beginning. This chapter has little dialogue, until towards the end. Also a really short one sorry.

End of 2017

Lindsey started her run to the far post as she saw the ball being crossed, she jumped and redirected the ball enough to hit the back of the net. She heard the stands erupt in loud cheers as her teammates tackled her in hugs, among those celebrating her goal was Emily and her parents in the stands.

Once the final whistle blew her team ran onto the field, starting the celebrations of winning the title. She made her way over to the area Emily and her parents were standing on the field, she ran towards her girlfriend who jumped into her arms. Lindsey spun the smaller girl around before setting her down and kissing her softly on her lips.

“I’m so proud of you Linds” Emily said as they pulled away and both smiled 

Although Sam was there playing, Emily could tell she was mad about the loss. She wanted to go over and hug the other girl but never fully committed to it. 

Lindsey turned her attention toward her parents who she hugged tightly after. That night was a complete blur to Lindsey but when she woke up in Emily’s arms the next morning, she got a pleasant flashback to the night before. 

Thanksgiving passed, which meant so did Emily’s 25th birthday. They didn’t do much, except go to Georgia for her day and had an early thanksgiving dinner, then went to Denver for Thanksgiving with Lindsey’s family before heading back to Portland.

December started with Lindsey going to New Jersey for the last National team camp for the year. This one lasted two weeks, she left Emily at home since she had to work. It wasn’t easy for either of them. The time difference of three hours made it hard for them to respond to each others text, but made it work for the time being.

They were able to FaceTime for a little bit sometimes, Emily got off of work around 4:30 which meant it was around 7:30 for Lindsey and she had just finished with dinner. They would be able to talk for an hour or so before having to go their own ways. 

This is not their first time being apart for more than a week, Lindsey has been going since earlier this year in fact during college times was longer. As much as Emily tries to get used to the empty apartment, it’s hard. Some times she feels as if she is alone in the relationship, she’ll always check in with her girlfriend but Lindsey did the minimal with checking in. It made Emily feel as if she wasn’t cared about…which makes her feel bad because it isn’t Lindsey’s fault that it works out like this, she’s doing her job, working. Then again is this how Lindsey feels when Emily is at work all day? 

Alone…

~~

Lindsey comes back a week before Christmas. Emily has finished majority of the Christmas shopping for their families and she finished hers for Lindsey. On a Sunday they go out to finish the rest of it and get lunch to catch up from the past two weeks.

“So how was everyone” Emily asked shoving some of her salad into her mouth

“Good, Rose misses you” Lindsey responded

“Yeah I miss her too…how did you do, didn’t get to talk much to you” Emily mentioned

“Sorry about that, busy schedule…I did pretty good actually. I missed not talking to you” she said picking around her own food

Emily looked up at the girl who was picking at her salad, “something wrong?” She asked

“Just missed you a lot” she said moving her eyes up to meet the other girls, Emily nodded her head and let the conversation go.

Christmas flew bye, they visited both sides once again and had as much fun with them as they could. Lindsey got to see her grandma this time which made her really excited, she hasn’t seen her in forever.

~~

2018

They couple decided to take a trip in February, they haven’t had an actual vacation since Lindsey’s junior year of college. Now that she’s graduated, which happened mid season last year. They have more time to do stuff during off season. The two of them choose to take a trip to Hawaii with little disagreement.

Once they touched down their was weight lifted off both of their shoulders. A weight neither of them knew they had sitting there. They both told themselves it was the stress of work that was holding them down. It was just the two of them, no weight of the outside world. They were able to focus on each other for the first time in forever.

On vacation they were able to be these people they haven’t been since college. This side of them that was open, not felt like the whole world will come crashing down on them at any second. 

But the trip only lasted a week, a week of being someone different, someone true, a week of taking the mask off. They had to return due to Emily having to be at work, which just meant the same routines started over and over again.

Soon March came around, Lindsey started training again with the Thorns. She had another camp that month, this time it was for She Believes cup. Lindsey was gone for the second week of the month, Emily couldn’t go watch due to…work. She was falling down this hole where she was busy all day everyday. 

Lindsey came back, as a victor, just to fall right back into the same routine. One both of the girls are getting sick of, the early mornings, the coffee visits, the coming home at a stupid time, the loneliness.

Lindsey leaves again for another National team friendly in June. She didn’t get any playing time, but she was happy to have just been called up. She knew she was in the race for the World Cup roster. 

Emily on the other hand, had a completely different experience this time. Coming home to an empty house was something she was sick of, a feeling she was developing even when Lindsey was home. Calling Lindsey, getting declined even though she said, “call me” or texting Lindsey and being left on delivered for hours. She was mentally beat from work and had no one to turn to, because she was beating her mentally too. 

~~

This was the longest amount of time Lindsey has been in Portland. Three months now, they haven’t talked about how either of them are feeling, more like how Emily is feeling. 

“Lindsey..” she said as they sat at breakfast one Sunday morning

“Yeah?” she said swallowing her bite of avocado toast 

Emily just admired the girl across from her, not wanting to bring it up but it had to be done, “we need to talk. About us..” she said taking in a deep breath her leg now bouncing up and down, Lindsey was now looking at her confused, “something about us the past few months have felt..off. I don’t know if it’s just me but I hate it. It feels like we’re stuck in this relationship, like the one seen in the movies. We have this invisible schedule we feel the need we can’t break and I hate it so much” She expressed

Lindsey looked at her with sad eyes, “you- you hate our relationship?” She asked 

Emily stopped her thought as soon as she could, “no Linds, not exactly, I don’t hate you, I fucking love you. I hate how it feels to be in our relationship. It feels like neither of us are putting in enough energy to keep us going. I hate to say that, but when you’re not home and you’re at camp I feel like I’m alone in life and I know that’s not fair to say because you’re working but if I’m feeling that way, I KNOW you are too” she emphasized

Lindsey blinked slowly and looked down at the floor, “I get it, I do feel that too.” She agreed

“Lindsey I hate thinking or feeling that out relationship is anything less than perfect, but right now it is, and I want to fix that before this all starts falling down hill” she told her girlfriend

“I want to fix it too” Lindsey agreed, “I understand what you’re saying. I promise I’ll fix my half, and if you fix yours we’ll be just fine.” she smiled

“Hopefully” Emily reached over and grabbed her hand

“Maybe, thought…” Lindsey drifted off, “maybe we should slow down. I feel like we both got so caught up in the changes in our lives. I know ever since soccer started last year, I’ve been stuck in the mindset of feeling the need to be the perfect player. I think that’s why I’ve fallen out of it, and I can tell it’s affecting you. Em your mental health is on a downfall right now, we can both see it. I told you last year I promise to be there through all of your lows and I’m not. I let you down again and I’m sorry, I want to be there for you. I’m going to slow down focus my free time on you…”

“Linds-“ Emily tried 

“No I’m serious” Lindsey cut her off

Emily knows Lindsey was right, her mental health really took a downfall since June. She started turning to the drinking and smoking, not all the time but at least once a week. Lindsey would walk into the kitchen the next morning to see the aftermath, but she never said anything. It was almost as if it was the last thing on her mind for that day, when it should have been one of the top ones.

They finished eating their meal and walked around town for it bit, going into store to look around…or until one of them found something and made a decision to but it. The two girls got home and cuddled on the couch for the rest of the day. 

Lindsey mentioning Emily’s mental health, made her take a step back from the rest of the world that night. She made a decision to take a break from work, one of the most emotional draining thing in her life currently. She didn’t know how long for but enough to get back on track. 

The next day was first she had off Lindsey was gone for majority of the day, Emily decided to call the one person who was always there for her through her downs

“Hey you, long time no talk” Rose said on the other end of the phone making Emily smile 

“I know Rosie, I’m sorry. Things haven’t been going good lately” she told the younger girl

“What happened?” Rose asked 

Emily took a deep breath in, “I’m falling downhill again. My relationship with the one person I love the most is falling with it and I don’t know how to fix it. Like I’ve been trying to, privately for months but it’s not working, so I told Linds yesterday and nothing much had happened” her voice was tiny

“Linds told me you turned drinking again” Rose responded sadly

“…And smoking” Emily added on

“Em-“ 

“I know Rose. I don’t need some big speech from you” the other end went quiet 

“Maybe you should go see a therapist. Take your own advise for once” she joked trying to lighten the mood

“So funny. Maybe-“

“Don’t do it too late this time Son” Rose told her

“I’ll find one” she promised, “How the team? And Mal?” She asked changing the subject

“Both fine. We live together, the team is doing as good as they can”

“How are you?” Emily knew Rose got injured recently 

“As good as I can. I’m playing…just not to my full abilities” she told her friend

“I wish you the best Rose, you deserve it” she heard the door open, “I have to go Lindsey’s home”

“Alright bye, talk soon?”

“Promise” she told her and hung up

Lindsey set her stuff down and walked into the kitchen to grab water. As soon as she walked through the door she noticed the entire apartment was cleaned up, that was new.

“Who was it?” She asked referring to the call

“Rose, I was bored so I called her” Emily stumbled over to the kitchen and stoped in front of her girlfriend

She gave her a quick peck on the lips, “how was your day?” She asked

“Won MVP this season, for the whole league” she told her girlfriend as if it was a normal thing to do 

“Lindsey!” She exclaimed, “that’s amazing babe. I’m so proud of you” she kissed her again but harder and longer, “I told you, you’re amazing” they both smiled.

That night they ended up falling asleep naked in each others arms. Well Lindsey did, Emily stayed awake just staring at the ceiling as she thought to herself words that scared her,

Is it bad that it felt like break up sex? Like there was no feelings behind it? Maybe she’s been feeling noting for a while…maybe it was time….

~~

It was a damp November night, the rain in Portland just kept falling, something Emily has related to recently. She’s gotten worse since October, which wasn’t that long ago, seeing as it’s November 15th. She did exactly what Rose told her to do, go see a therapist, but it wasn’t helping. She felt just as shitty as she did before, but today they pinpointed one of the reasons that was making her fall.

Her therapist told her to take a step back completely, get better, then try again. As much as the thought scared her, she knew it had to happen. The two of them have fallen out more since October, Lindsey had just gotten back from a camp and Emily thought it was as good as a time to do it. Being honest when is a good time to break up with what you thought was your forever.

She opened the door to their apartment. Lindsey jumped off of the couch and approached her girlfriend. She could tell Emily was crying and she just hugged the girl.

The tears streamed down Emily’s face as she muffled into Lindsey’s sweater, “Lindsey we need to talk” she said the word that seemed too familiar.

“What is it baby?” Lindsey asked that made Emily break even more, “hey look at me” Emily made eye contact with her

“We- we..need to take a break” she choked out

Lindsey took a step back and looked at her girlfriend, “what? Emily, no we’re fine baby…we perfect” her voice cracked as tears formed

“Maybe you think so Linds, but I don’t.” More tears fell, they were not stoping anytime soon, “we are so lost in our own worlds and we can’t find each other. I’m scared if I find you before myself I might not ever fine me again” she exclaimed

“Em- we can’t. We’re suppose to get married” she said now letting the tears fall, “I need you. I need to see you in the stands at my games-“

“Lindsey” she shouted, “I can’t be there for you, if I can’t be there for myself”

Lindsey froze in place, “Lindsey you have to focus harder than ever to make that National team. I know you want it and all I’m doing is dragging you down with me.”

“You’re not-“

Emily cut her off, “you think I want to say that. You think I want to do any of this, no I don’t. But I’m doing it for our own sake. I don’t want you to feel the pressure of having to fix me while trying to be the best you. I have to get better, better for you”

Lindsey walked into the living room and collapsed on the couch, “so we’re done?” She asked quietly as tears streamed down her face

“I want to revisit this, you just have to promise to still be there. I will…” she said weakly

Lindsey took a breath, “I can’t promise, but I’ll try” 

Emily’s heart shattered more, “L-“ her voice cracked, “let me pack my stuff and I’ll be out”

“I’m going to Tobin’s be try to be out by the time I get back please.” She grabbed a jacket and her keys, shutting the door behind her

Emily jumped at the sound of the door closing. Why her girl- Lindsey might not be there later Emily will never know but it didn’t feel good hearing that. She walked into their room, packed her clothes in a suit case, and grabbed anything her blurry eyes could see and walked out of their- Lindsey’s apartment one last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, probably wasn’t my best chapter but oh well. Another one will be up soon, and don’t think it gets happy..sorry. Thank you for reading <333


End file.
